3.21.2012

.mommyhood.

Not sure what compelled me to write this, but here goes.

I don't know if I'm alone in this, but every single night as soon as I lay down in bed, I dissect my day.  I analyze and critique who I am as a mom, a wife, a grown woman.  I pick apart every single way I failed.  Never feeling proud of the good, only focusing on the bad.  I beat myself up for every moment I lost my patience, for every moment I didn't love enough or listen enough.  For every moment where I just wanted to go into my room and be alone or every moment where I just needed to get away.  I feel so completely and utterly ill-equipped to be a mom sometimes.  Why in the world God felt compelled to trust me to properly take care of my precious babies, I will never know...but I am so thankful He did.

Today I had a particularly "challenging" day with the kids.  Not listening, not being respectful, etc.  Sometimes I'm at a complete loss as to how to handle every single situation that presents itself and then the feeling of failure falls on my shoulders and I just want to cry.  I want so badly for my children to be happy (which I know they are) and I want so badly for them to be well equipped as parents and spouses...but how am I supposed to aid them in that when I feel so sub par as a parent and wife.  Tonight after the kids fell asleep, I snuck into Beckham's bed, curled up behind him and just held him.  I prayed that God would heal every hurt that I've caused (and I don't mean physically or verbally...don't worry, I don't beat or belittle my kids) and that He would give me the wisdom and patience I need to raise each of my children in the way He would want.  I also prayed that He would give me peace.  Peace in knowing that not every decision I make is going to be right, not every situation will be handled properly and not every day is going to be perfect.  Grace is such a wonderful, undeserved gift.  Especially for moms.  I have the chance to do it better tomorrow and I can't wait.  7:00 am cannot come fast enough.  And tonight when I go to bed, I plan on focusing on the grace instead of the usual condemnation that I put on myself.

I hope that all of you mom's out there go to sleep with that same peace tonight.


xoxox.


19 comments:

S said...

What a wonderful, beautiful post. I can't imagine how challenging it can be to have 3 children. There are days where I become very frustrated with my 6 month old because I do not always know what he wants. Thank you for passing this peace on to me tonight when all I could think about was how much I still have to do tonight and wondering if I've been doing enough. Thank you for reminding me of God's grace and love.

Renata said...

What a beautiful mother you are.

I'm not a mother right now, but I coordinate outreach to middle, high school, and college aged teens. I feel like failure 95% of the time, but I know that the moment I start to feel like I'm overall a success? That's when I know that I'm not leaning on the Lord for the graces I need to keep going.

You know what you need. You know how to be a strong mother. It's beautiful that you sit up at night waiting to start again in the morning. Peace be with you & your sweet babies, hannah!

Amber said...

THANK YOU! I feel so inadequate so much of the time and it seems like so many other bloggy moms are doing so well! I needed to see that I am not the only mom who doubts my efforts. Being a mom is so hard. It makes me feel less alone when I read honest posts like this! You are a great mom and don't forget it!

Mama and her boys said...

First, God Bless you for having 3 children. Having to little ones puts me at my limit. There are nights where I too lay in bed ad pick apart my day.. Questions why my 3 year old talks back.. what am I doing wrong?! I constantly pray for strength. I want to be the best wife and mother that I can be while still fulfilling my personal goals. It's a tough balance, but I truly believe that God challenges me because if it were easy, I wouldn't be half of the Mother that I strive to be.

I was just sharing this story with another blogger, but the other day, my kids were both crying and yelling and instead of bursting into tears, I started to laugh. My husband asked me why I was laughing and I said, "one day I will miss this chaos." Somehow, that have me peace as I slept that night. You seem light an extraordinary mother. I hope that you go to bed with quiet/happy thoughts tonight! Hugs!!

Mrs. Mama said...

H, what a beautiful post. Absolutely beautiful. You are SUCH an amazing mother and your children are SO SO lucky to have you.

Danielle-Marie said...

Thanks so much for this. It really is nice to know I'm not alone in my thoughts. You're doing great!

Angie said...

Absolutely beautiful post. I can definitely relate & I'm sure so many others can too. I'm raising a 13 year old daughter & it is so scary. I always say I'm going to do the best I can do and leave the rest up to God. He's definitely more in control than I am. Prayers and Hugs for you dear! I'm sure you are a wonderful momma :)

Samantha said...

This is a really great post. I have definitely dealt with the same feelings, both as a wife and a mother, but you are absolutely right, not every decision/day/situation will be perfect, but He is always guiding us. Thank you for sharing :)

Jeremy and Megan said...

I haven't had this moment as a mom yet but def as a wife and working mom I do ALL the time!! It is hard to have it all as a woman I feel!

Everyone has their moments, we can't be perfect all the time. G-d gives us challenges so we can learn how to face them, learn from them and teach others (like our children) how to act, not act and react.

Thank you for this post, from reading your blog I can tell you are a great wife and mother. :)

Regina Lung said...

i am going 2 share this. u are amazing.

{Jessica} said...

I am not a Momma yet, but I hope to be one day, and your post gave me the chills (in a good way!) I think, that in recognizing your imperfections and giving them to God, you are the most wonderful mother your children could ever ask for. No one is perfect, that's God's job. All we can do is strive to be more like him. Thank you for sharing this today! Your honesty is so refreshing. Love to read what you share:)

~Erin said...

What a great post and you took the words right out of my mouth on how I feel as a mother.
I hope and pray you have a better day today and in the future because from what I can tell is that you are a wonderful mother to your beautiful childern.

Erin
Write Ideas

Steph and Glen said...

beautfully written, hannah! I'm right there with you with hoping I'm everything glen wanted in a wife and mother of his children and that I'm the mom I'm supposed to be with teagan. keep up the good work, great posts, and bringing me to tears. mommyhood is truly the best gift! love and hugs from florida!

angelaluvnlife said...

Ok so I love that you are willing to be vulnerable. Sometimes it is hard and sometimes I yell :( not always and not even a lot but sometimes it is overwhelming and I feel the same way. And you are a great writer by the way made you feel it in the heart. Love it!! Just wanted to say glad I found your blog!

Alycia (Crowley Party) said...

I am not a mom yet, but I totally dissect my day... I can only imagine how much longer I will be staying up at night once I have kids! haha

Mentor Mommy of 2 said...

I just posted about this awhile ago... I feel ya! It is a battle.

Mentor Mommy of 2 said...

I just posted about this awhile ago... I feel ya! It is a battle.

Amy said...

"Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Jesus Christ." Phil 4:6-7. This verse came to mind as I read your post. I think it's so beautiful! I'm not a Mom yet, gotta find that hubby first. But I think it's so amazing what you wrote. That you pray for guidance in raising your beautiful kids. I hope when I'm a mom, I always remember to do the same thing. Thanks for being inspiring :)

Anonymous said...

What a great post. As a mommy myself, I also feel this way at times. Thanks for sharing!